A very happy birthday to V! We’re celebrating by going to see Death Cab for Cutie this evening.
The clarity of sesshin has worn off, and I’m left to do deal with some of the things that were dredged up. One of the monks said that “the good karma is that we get to really look at the bad karma.” He’s right, but it’s not always the easiest stuff to face. In any case, I don’t think that I can live anymore with taking all the stuff that’s difficult or unpleasant and just stuffing it into the basement and hoping it never sees the light of day again.
Maybe it’s not always fun, but the process is rewarding and even joyful in its own way, and there is something exhilarating about having done it. It’s like having a sparkling clean kitchen after a day of hard work scrubbing and washing and mopping, the kitchen is clean, to be sure, but more importantly is that you feel better for having done the work.
I purchased a small 4-shaft floor loom off Craigslist earlier this year, and have been waiting for the time to free up to get started with it. I made my first attempt at setting up a warp yesterday, which was almost a success and a great learning process. Weaving is unforgiving inasmuch as that you must set it up properly; if the warp is messed up in any way, the rest of the project is doomed to failure.
It feels very good to be working with my hands, and I look forward to the process of learning to weave.
Blogging, at some level, is predicated on that idea that you have something to say that’s worth other people’s time and attention. It involves being sure that what’s going on in your life is actually interesting enough to warrant other people wanting to read it.
I’m no longer convinced that my life is anything extraordinary. I’ve met people who are smarter, stronger, more creative, funnier, more mystical, better traveled, you name it. Every time I catch myself trying to play the game where I do my darnedest to make myself sound more whatever than the other person, I wince deep inside (this was probably my least favorite part of grad school, the constant effort to make oneself more erudite and connected. The grind endless one-upsmanship was truly horrible).
So, do I have anything to say? I’m pulled back to John Cage and his infernal “I have nothing to say, I am saying it, and that is poetry” line, and back to Zen with its endless streams of “If you advance you lose it, if you retreat you lose it, if you do nothing you lose it. What will you do? Say a word.” The fact is that you have to say something, even if what you say is nothing. The fact is that you’re saying something, even if you have no idea that you are or what it is.
What am I saying? What do I have to have to say? What does this blog have to say? I really don’t know, but I think it’s about time I found out.
I spent some time working on a video editing project, a little bit of emergency bug fixing and support, and some reading, but most of the week was devoted to cleaning and organizing, which is good practice and also makes for a clean house. It’s the attention to details that matter, though it can easily be taken to extremes. Goodness knows how many details I haven’t paid attention to throughout my life.
I’m looking forward to a relaxing weekend. There’s hiking on the agenda, and perhaps a special meal for Cinco de Mayo is order.
The April moon was so bright that I only rarely had to use a flashlight while walking to and from my cabin up the hill. The breeze coming down the mountain sometimes blended seamlessly with the sound of cars whizzing down the nearby road. On the last night, the moon hid behind the clouds and it rained for the first time, gentle and almost warm. Even behind the gauzy cloud-cover, it still shone.
It was a strong sesshin for me, despite (or because of) the Spring and its attendant allergies. It always takes a while for everything to settle in afterwards. I truly enjoy Zen training, even if it’s not always the easiest thing. I’m grateful to have the opportunity.
Note: Jeffrey is sitting sesshin right now. This post was prepared in advance.
Note: Jeffrey is sitting sesshin right now. This post was prepared in advance.
Note: Jeffrey is sitting sesshin right now. This post was prepared in advance.
Note: Jeffrey is sitting sesshin right now. This post was prepared in advance.
Note: Jeffrey is sitting sesshin right now. This post was prepared in advance.
Note: Jeffrey is sitting sesshin right now. This post was prepared in advance.
I’m heading up to the Monastery for a full week of sesshin in a few minutes. I’ve got a set of some recent pictures I’ve taken set up to keep you company while I’m away.
Best wishes to you all in this Spring week.
For the first time in years (and a few weeks late), I don’t have any project work. I’ll have some more in May (not as much as previously), but until then my time is my own, such as it is. I’m sitting sesshin all next week, and in conjunction this week, sesshin, and the week after next is a perfect opportunity for gathering myself together. There’s still a lot to be done, so it’s hardly a vacation, but there is enough space in my schedule that I can be mindful of what I’m doing.
There has been much reading! Earlier this week I thoroughly enjoyed The Power of Kindness by Piero Ferrucci, a simple and powerful book which I highly recommend, and another book which will not be named and which was ready to be given away before I read the final page. At the moment I am working my way through Robert Aitken’s The Mind of Clover and Albert Low’s edition of Hakuin on Kensho, both which I’ll likely have to read a few dozen times in the upcoming years. They’re both steeped in Zen, which tends to read differently than any other printed matter I’ve encountered in my life.
Zen is very difficult to talk about, even for people who have been practicing for years. It’s often frustrating that I’m unable to communicate how much it excites and inspires me, let alone why it excites and inspires. I do my best, as it’s all I can do, but I apologize for any past and future attempts that fall short.
