I slept in until 7 due to an alarm clock malfunction. These days I’m used to being up to greet the dawn, and it’s a strange feeling to wake up after the sun has risen; it’s akin to walking in to a movie already in progress.

Thoroughbass sent me a file containing the jaunty ring tone for the new Apple iPhone, which I quickly mangled into iPhone Funk (Apple Ringtone Remix).

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On the drive home from sesshin I stopped at a rest stop, and on the way to the bathroom I happened upon an old arcade game. I played Galaga came out in 1981, and even though I could barely reach the joystick I was pretty good at it. I inserted coins, hit start, and was on my way. If you haven’t played Galaga before, it’s a simple game, like most games from the early 80s. Enemy spaceships enter the field in a procession, and when they are all arrayed in a grid, they start swooping down at your ship a few at a time, blazing away. If you manage to avoid their attacks and destroy them all, the process repeats again, only a bit harder. Ships move faster, there are more laser blasts coming down. Eventually, you will be overwhelmed, and when you lose all your spare ships, the game ends.

I was agonizing over how to describe sesshin to others; anything beyond “you had to be there” starts to miss the point, yet “you had to be there” is not a satisfying answer. I had written up something else which was long and gangly and used the word zazen dozens of times, when I realized that sesshin is like Galaga. There is the simplicity of place, like the simplicity of arcade controller. Left, right, shoot. There is the single minded task; the constant awareness required to just to stay in the game. There is the inevitable slip, losing touch and getting obliterated. And there is no way to win. Perhaps one could play Galaga for the high score, but one really plays Galaga just to play it; to see how far one gets, to be challenged. Just to play.

Yesterday I made it to stage 19 before losing my last ship – not so bad for an old man! As I was about to turn away from the game to go back to the truck, I saw the words “INSERT COINS TO CONTINUE” splashed across the screen. Investing enough money, you could play forever.

Sesshin is like playing Galaga. And sesshin makes one realize that one is really playing with an infinite supply of quarters, and that the game is nothing less than our entire existence.

Note: Jeffrey is sitting sesshin right now. This post was prepared in advance.

Note: Jeffrey is sitting sesshin right now. This post was prepared in advance.

Note: Jeffrey is sitting sesshin right now. This post was prepared in advance.

Each thing has its own intrinsic
value and is related to everything
else in function and position.

I’m leaving for sesshin soon, and will be away until Sunday. I wish everyone the best of weekends, and sincerely hope that you are able to spend it feeling alive and loved.

On Thursday I’m headed back up to Zen Mountain Monastery to attend the New Years’ sesshin. In preparation I’ve been increasing the time I sit zazen to around 3 hours daily and getting up earlier so I can be more ready for the 3:50 am wake-up time. It will be an experience.

I’ve been sitting for over a year now, and I still don’t know why. While the physical discomfort has mostly gone away (though ask me again after this weekend whether this still holds after 7 hours of zazen), it can be mentally and emotionally challenging, especially when I want to be anywhere other than where I am. But zazen offers nowhere to run. When I’m scared, I have scared zazen, when I’m happy it’s happy zazen, when I’m sleepy it’s sleepy zazen. Like watching a tree every day for a year, I’ve sat and observed myself warp and age, weather storm and sun. Maybe I’ve achieved some clarity, but I’m not sure.

It’s snowing outside, and it’s beautiful; the snow has quieted the city air and the falling flecks reflect the streetlights. It is exactly what needs to happen right now.

These eyes have seen diverse misfortunes follow from diverse desires.

The more I notice about myself, the more I realize how I’m constantly messing up in little ways. Sometimes this moves a bit faster than my ability to be okay with that, which creates an emotional contraption not unlike a guilt feedback generator. I don’t think there’s an easy way to dismantle the machine. I’m no longer convinced there’s an easy way to do anything.

Life is full of unexpected twists, gnarled endings and beginnings, all woven together; if we’re not paying attention (even if we are!) we can find ourselves in entirely uncharted territory in the blink of an eye. Sometimes we’re lucky enough to feel a new thread being woven into our lives, and that’s a wonderful gift.

What a winter day. Not a cloud in the sky, sunny, and hovering around 10º. Biking down to my guitar lesson today, I lost feeling in most of the fingers in my left hand, making me wonder what style of music I could play with two fingers.

At the moment I’m sitting at the Diesel Cafe, about 14 inches from the glass door seperating inside from outside. Even with the heaters blazing, I can feel the cold radiating; my left half is a lot colder than my right. This must be how the McDLTs felt.

It’s wet, grey and dreary today; outside looks like used dishwater.

There’s been a joke rattling around in my head this morning: “How do you dance with a bear? Let the bear lead.”

If you’re in the mood for some calm yet strangely unsettling music, consider listening to Sea Monkey Elegy.

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I spilled Dr. Pepper on my iPod, and it’s given up the ghost two weeks out of warranty. Pour a 40 for my dead homey (but not onto your own iPod).

Here’s a new piece, Build Your House Out Of Clouds. Clouds probably don’t make good building material, but the view would be amazing.

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I’m starting up guitar lessons again today, after a few months’ hiatus. I wasn’t sure what I had in mind when I started playing other than “this instrument has more immediate utility than the french horn,” so I’m not too bothered with what level of progress I’ve made or not. It’s a deep instrument, and I’m really enjoying the process of getting to know it; a process made much better with a teacher.

This year my hope is to play with other human beings, and as a stretch, play at a concert of some sort.